2:40 am.

I miss you Dad, I miss you Mom. If only for one day or one night we could see each other again. The overwhelming pain sneaks up on me from time time, honestly, lately its been almost daily. I miss you both. I am a Dad now and a husband. I kicked the alcohol bug Mom I picked up when you got sick. I still sometimes want to run away, that feeling that only an extra 5th can cloud off. September 21st I will be proud of that 5 years. I really want to see you again. Did you know I have a great family, I have a new little boy named Tatem Neil, Dad we named him after you. I am so so sorry you can't hold him, I want you to hold him. I miss terribly for Taryn the fun wedding trips with you and Kathy, she loved getting out with you. I miss our conversations so much and your help. My house is so far from finished, I almost call you daily about it. Your not here though.. I really want to see you again. Mom I thought my journey of going through your death would prepare me for Dad passing away, nope, and was I ever wrong. I honestly feel like I may have never mourned. I really want to see you again. Did you know it's 2:40 am. I am not sleeping tonight, did you know I am scared I might get cancer some day and leave early... honestly, that doesn't scare me, do you know what does? That feeling I have being shared with, Kristy, Taryn and Tate having that same longing that same emptiness.  Hey do you think you could come back, I really would like to see you again. Did you know that we have attained our dream house.. Did you know it feels empty without you Mom and Dad... Hey Dad, Grandma is in an assisted living facility, she had a stroke when she found out you were going to pass. They made a decision she would be safer there. She called me a billion times a day, and so I stopped going to see her. Going to see her reminds me of you, it makes me cry... I don't go and see her anymore. I am embarrassed by my weakness.. Really, really could I see you again? My eyes right now are clouded with tears, I am tired, I am real tired. God could you save me, could you really free me from this, cast, almighty, these thoughts away, please release me of this tension.. God could I really see Mom and Dad again.. Jesus you died for my sins, could you please speak to me, can you speak to me in my dreams, could you send Mom and Dad in my dreams. I want to speak with them today, I really want to see them again.. Can I see them again. God thank you for my new friends, I really needed them.. God can I tell you something.. I am angry, I am so angry they are gone, I am not sure I am angry at you or angry at myself.. I really want to see them again.. God please help me. Can I see them again?

The Spring is...in pictures.

The spring is coming..  Pictures from the last time the trees were green. Most of pictures are of Ms. Tiff Oldham, Ms. Ava Huntsman and Ms. Taryn Gilbert - info@greatmoveteam.com

I want, I want, I want

This Christmas season.... 6 days till Christmas.. It comes so fast.  This season I really wanted to make the lights around the house better, more shiny.. I have barely plugged them in.  I really wanted Taryn to feel this great excitement of the Christmas season; I have worked a lot.  I really wanted the house with the larger kitchen so we could have more people over; that is a prerequisite of having people over.?. I wanted to adopt three families we didn't adopt one.. I wanted to call my family members and tell them how much I love them and miss them...I wanted to show my clients and friends how much they mean to me by calling them, I have only called a few... I wanted my mind to be clear and just enjoy this season...my mind is so busy, so busy..  I have this vision of all these great things I can do for Christmas, for Christmas.. for people and I have fell so short. I am tired.. I wonder how many of us are really in the mindset, where we are just pumped to show and do all these things for our spouse, for our kids, for our families, for our friends, and actually do them in our spirit, just a I am this, from deep inside ourselves and not just another checklist of wants and what we shoulds...cause it just is the right thing to do... For 2014, the "I wants", I just want to truly come from my heart. I bet they would be a lot easier to accomplish then.. I bet it would be a lot more fun.  I bet it would be a lot more natural and people around me would notice...I bet I would have got most of them done...I bet I could accept the ones I hadn't got done....I had no idea how life could ever move this fast... and I know if we move forward and live with our heart we may not ever say, Christmas is stressing me out, trying to find gifts, trying to make my fam happy, trying to share, or just trying to get the house decorated so so nice.... Hopefully I am not the only one that's felt that way....I wonder if we can truly accept this Christmas for what most of us really really are; blessed, pumped that I can buy someone a gift, determined, content, sharing, motivating, energetic, happy, easy living.  And if its someone that may not feel that way, hopefully that friend that is can do the be the energy for you...You know really speaking frankly I hope I never say, I want, I want, I want again, it was never a great motivator; I am, I am, I am can be me and you.

I am a friend, I am blessed, I am an energetic Dad, I am a great family member, I am a giving husband, I am excited for each day. I am so thankful Jesus came for me and my family... I am a role model. I am strong.  I am stable.  I am thankful. I am generous.

I am, I am, I am.

Dreams of a relaxed Barber...

-I was talking with my Barber, mind you my barber has a shop in one of the more distinct areas of our town.  Lots of small shops, abandoned lots, even a couple of semi demoed homes. He is a very successful barber, we have briefly talked about income and tips, I would guess to say at about 20 bucks a haircut he makes 8 to 12,000 a year above the average household income of $35,000, and our median per person income of Topeka is $22,000.  Half of his family is from Mexico, my barber can cut some serious hair, very very good.
-My barber tells me he is thinking about moving back to Mexico, and my first response is why? Why would you do that?  Don't people die trying to get to America and you are going back, he also misses about a month or two of business a year to go back to see his family in Mexico, and his business still thrives... (that's a testament to giving to your family and getting back). I am actually half hispanic and I know how much fun and close together that side our family can be.
-I apologize for my quick, assuming and brash response and ask, well tell me why you felt Mexico might be a better option than Topeka or even the United States.  And my mind opened up a bit..

(work in progress come back to see the rest on Sunday) -Justin

He says I am getting older quick here. I was just in highschool.. And now its 4 years later.. In my home town they work in the morning and then from 130 to 330 all the shops close and the people go home and nap or hang with their FAM... What??? I think that sounds fun. He goes it may be less money but it is so much more relaxed there...

"In between a Liquor Store and a Speedy Cash"

In between a Liquor Store and a Speedy Cash, in the rain, classmates are walking through the rain, only about 4 of the 18 or so have umbrellas.  They just arrived off of a transit bus about half a mile from their school, its raining.  The other cars, people, are flying by busy, fast, speeding, yellow lights are green.  The kids without the umbrellas they don't run across the street. They let it rain on them, they don't rush to escape the rain..

Some of the kids have hoodys on, I have been in the rain before they just soak up the rain. Some of the young girls, they don't rush from the rain other. They must not be concerned with their makeup. The boys, they don't have umbrellas for the girls.  They are walking. What would you do? I honestly would be running, running as fast as I can.  I don't want to be wet all day, even if I had an umbrella, running, I don't want to be cold, if I had white on, I wouldn't want to be exposed.. I would want to start clean and fresh, everyday, I wouldn't want to start my day this way.  Cold, defeated, uncomfortable, yet still walking, and walking by busy people who didn't think about my rain, then reminded by two things that we believe can help us escape the rain, and how they so quietly and quickly impede our goals and dreams..and yet this seem so normal..to us..while walking across the street nothing changes.. people keep moving, moving faster.

Thinking deeply, I am not sure how it would feel to get out of Topeka public bus this morning. I imagine it wasn't a comfortable ride, you jump out of the bus, its raining, your going to get an education, goals, college. Yet your family is struggling to provide for you, you don't have an umbrella.. Most likely you are on the public bus because you tried to get to the west side of town or don't have a car,  you assume its a better school and this can give you an advantage. And you are still reminded of that vision every day, before you even think about your dreams..., a Liquor Store and a Speedy Cash, get a drink and get some money.....?

Really to be honest, I have done both of the above, they don't lead to anything more fulfilling or dreamy. They lock you out of what really is put inside of you. What God put inside of you. I haven't discovered or let all of that out of me yet, yet this morning I just wanted to have 20 umbrella's for them and say, "There is more than this, don't let everyday life let you accept this rain."

We can walk through life letting it rain on us constantly, and we can just walk, letting it make us so cold; it's raining here and you know, the suns out somewhere.  A lot of us believe a drink is the American way, an escape, and we can't live without it, you can. A lot of us believe that debt is the only way to have the wants in life in time, its not. 

A calm, fulfilled, refreshed, joyful life is when you surround yourself with others, and help people understand their dreams. Life is so much bigger when we let it shine in our eyes, in our hearts. When the sun comes out later today, let the sun in, put your arms out, that may just energize you enough, and then the next time it rains, you just may have those 20 umbrellas with you. 

--Justin

Picture This

I was out riding my bicycle with my 5 year old daughter Taryn yesterday.. Picture here..

I was super excited about this. She was very very proud of her new bike, it was also way safer than her $2 dollar garage sale bike.. So I took her to the Crestview BMX track in Topeka to go over some ramps because obviously the best thing you can do is go over ramps with a 5 year old.  Now when I was about ten years younger I used to be a BMX star (will update post soon with video...). Anyway after a few minutes I told Taryn, "hey, you know your Dad is good at this, watch me" I was started peddling around the jumps went around the berm to the large jump on the back straight away, everything is going great, and I am going fast, very fast and I hit the ramp and think, yes you can actually jump this, I get to the top of the ramp and realize I can not jump this.. and decide to manual through the jump... 

At my weight this change of direction doesn't happen as quickly as I plan and the bike takes off to the right my body still by inertia goes in its direction.. now remember this is a BMX track with like dozens of 15 year olds riding around.. I am 30... at this point the only out come is a crash.. I feel the bike going one way and me the other..  knowing I hurt my knee not too long ago bowling (complete other story).. god only knows what this is going to fell like... I lose it, and slam knee and chest first into the next jump, boom, dust goes everywhere, I stop instantly.. I feel a thought of the kids laughing at me, maybe even my wife, but the only thing I can do is, throw a fist up and say "yes", like I meant to do it..   

I honestly couldn't have felt anymore empowered, I quickly forgot about the kids, forgot about the blood on my pink shorts, the pain in my body and thought, I really went for it! 

We live a life as we get more "adult" and think chances are for crazy people and that falls hurt "really, really bad", we forget that a little falling and getting back up are what really define our personality and courage. A little adrenaline doesn't hurt either.. --Justin

Picture post-ZoomBrowser updated.